Reasons My Swiss Neighbors are Complaining
Aaaaaah Switzerland. Beautiful, clean, safe, chocolate, cheese, Heidi. The only country to make the Germans look unorganized and inefficient.
A 2015 study conducted by the United Nations found that the Swiss are the happiest people in the world. Yes, you read that right: the Swiss even beat out those adorable Icelanders in terms of happiness.
In another 2015 study, Switzerland was ranked the safest country in the world (out of 107 countries with accessible data). The. Safest. Country. In. The. World.
So, given that the Swiss are the happiest people living in the safest country in the world, you would think that they would be relatively laid back without much to complain about, right?
Wrong.
In the last three years of living in Switzerland, I have encountered some of the strangest laws and strictest social codes: I have been shouted at, fined, complained about and subjected to unbearable Swiss social shame for things that residents in other nations take for granted.
Here are just a few reasons why my Swiss neighbors are complaining:
1. Recycling on a Sunday
A friend was given the option of paying a $300 fine or spending two nights in jail for breaking this Swiss law. Hidden cameras took photos of his license plate as he partook in the illegal activity of dropping off his recycling during a day of rest. Yes, you read that right: the same kind of surveillance most nations use on terror suspects and gang leaders, the Swiss use to monitor and control errant recycling behavior.
2. Putting your recycling out too soon
Not only must your recycling not go out on a Sunday, but when it is the sanctioned day of recycling collections, you must ensure that:
a. It goes out exactly at the right time and not a moment too soon. Another friend of mine received an angry letter for putting his recycling out the night before the early morning collection. The letter started, “It still boggles my mind that in the 21st century people still can’t figure out the recycling schedule…”.
b. The paper is piled into neat, 6 inch symmetrical stacks and tied with twine. In my village the paper is only collected every four months, and if your stacks aren’t perfectly aligned to the size specifications, it will be left on the side of the street, leaving you another four months to unwrap the parcels and try to get it right the next time.
3. Trash detectives
Getting the feeling that recycling is a pretty big deal in Switzerland? Well, it’s no different in terms of trash. In Switzerland, you can’t use just any old garbage bags, but special municipal bags that are taxed. That tax, in turn, goes towards disposing of everyone’s trash. A municipal garbage bag will cost you around $2 each, depending on your canton. So, in a country where recycling on a Sunday can land you in jail, you can only imagine the lengths to which the Swiss will go to ensure the right bags are used in the disposal of garbage. Enter the Swiss garbage detectives, whose job is to monitor neighborhoods for illicit bags, dig through said bags in the hopes of identifying the culprit, and then levy heavy fines and possible jail time for repeat offenders.
Recyclables in the municipal trash? “Woop woop that’s the sound of da police!”
4. Vacuuming & hanging laundry on a Sunday
This is pretty standard - everyone who moves here has, at one time or another, been yelled at by a neighbor for vacuuming during what should be a day of rest. As for laundry, why should your neighbors be subjected to seeing your clothing drying outside when instead they could just be staring at your empty lawn!? RUDE!
5. Sexy-time noises
Ok, I'm totally aware I’m doing the proverbial, "I know someone who..." thing here, but it's true. I know more than a few who have had neighbors tape angry letters to their doors complaining about "sexy time" being a bit too loud for their liking. Last month, this issue hit international news when a note was posted on an apartment building in an attempt to use Swiss social shame to stop the residential raucousness:
"It’s no fun to explain to children and the elderly that, ‘Oh God, I’m coming’ has nothing to do with religion or suicide."
But wait, it gets worse. An American expat living in the Swiss city of Bern was shot in the face by his neighbor for making too much noise. Luckily, the bullet missed his face, but still...
6. Leaving your shoes outside your apartment
It's winter in Switzerland. Your shoes get snow on them. The nature of endothermic reactions turns that snow into water. That water attaches to dirt. That dirt turns into mud. I don't want mud in my apartment. But, as it turns out, my neighbors don't want muddy shoes in the hallway either. Hence getting a lovely note taped to my door reading, "Please remove your muddy shoes. You don't pay rent for the hallway, afterall...". WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
7. Inconsiderate toilet usage
Although not an official Swiss law, the Swiss renters’ law (OR) (Art 257f, to be precise) discusses consideration for your neighbors, lest feel the wrath of Swiss social shame. As such, in some (usually older) buildings, it is frowned upon to flush the toilet or drain the bathtub after 10pm. In some of the more strict buildings, men are not allowed to relieve themselves while standing up after 10pm due to concerns over the noise such a behavior generates.
8. Animal rights on a completely new level
Although this does not apply to me, it is a concern for expats emigrating with their pets. Swiss animal rights law effectively enforces a pet buddy system whereby pets considered part of a “social species” must have a companion of the same species. In other words, a parrot must have another parrot companion in the same residence, or the owner could face animal abuse charges.
Additionally, owners of fish can only use aquariums with at least one opaque side. They must also ensure the fish experience night and day light cycles to ensure their mental health. Flushing sick fish down the toilet is also forbidden, instead, owners must commit euthanasia using special chemicals.
To enforce these rules, authorities can actually come to your home and inspect the living situation for your pets.
9. Salary secrecy
It’s not uncommon that information on people’s salaries are kept private, but the Swiss take it to a whole new level. Many employment contracts prohibit workers disclosing their salaries to colleagues (I know someone who was fired for doing this). Additionally, you will never find a starting salary stating in a job advertisement.
The Swiss are so secretive about money that even the models of their cars are kept private. In Switzerland, it is not uncommon to see a brand new Mercedes without the model designation badge. Because in Switzerland, you want your neighbors to know you have an expensive car, but not exactly how much you paid for it.
10. Office hours
In Switzerland, office hours are king. If you arrive at the post office at 08.58, you’ll be sat outside until the doors open exactly at 9am. And don’t expect anyone to stay late to assist you as the closing hour approaches.
This strict adherence to office hours made international headlines when, on 17 February 2014, Ethiopian Airlines flight 702, carrying over 200 people, was hijacked from Addis Ababa en route to Rome. The flight entered Swiss airspace at 6am, however the Swiss Air Force did not intervene and instead relied on its neighbors France and Italy to escort the Boeing 767 to safety in Geneva.
Why, when the Swiss Air Force monitors airspace 24/7, did they not intervene, you may ask?
You guessed it… office hours. According to a Swiss Air Force spokesman, intervention in Swiss airspace only occurs during routine office hours, between 8am and 5pm. As the flight entered Swiss airspace a full two hours before the official opening hours, and despite knowing of the hijacking, the Swiss did not intervene. So, if you ever plan on invading Switzerland, try to do it outside regular office hours.
